We Are Pirates by Daniel Handler

   I read another traditional book- in less than a month. And it was a novel to boot! What am I, sick or something?
   
   In We Are Pirates, a young girl named Gwen is going through the growing pains of becoming a young woman. Feeling unwanted and bored, she goes on a shoplifting spree. Caught by security, Gwen is forced by her parents to volunteer at a retirement home as punishment. Assigned to a patient who was a former Navy man and amateur nautical historian, Gwen becomes enamored with the idea of becoming a pirate. With elderly Errol, his nurse Manny, Gwen's new best friend Amber, and an accidently shanghaied boy named Cody, Gwen leads the team to steal a fake pirate ship and lay scourge to San Francisco Bay.

  In We Are Pirates, Phil Needle is under the gun to finish production on a new radio program about American outlaws. Without a title and an assistant, Phil Needle makes some rash decisions in order to complete his first episode in time for a broadcasting convention. This leads Phil Needle to hire a young girl named Alma as his new secretary, but his choice may lead him down a path that could ruin his career, marriage, and relationship with his wayward daughter Gwen.

    Now, I didn't suffer a wrinkle in time or anything like that. We Are Pirates is basically two stories in one, with seemingly mundane events in one plot making lasting impacts on the other. But that doesn't make for easy reading.

   We Are Pirates was written by the crafty mind behind Lemony Snicket. But he doesn't just write prose for kids. Wen writing under his real name of Daniel Handler, the author also writes adult novels. I stress the word 'ADULT' here. This book has sex, graphic murder, sex, language, angst... did I mention the sex? So don't go buying this book for  your children under the assumption that this is an innocent as one of Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events (which I did!) This book has adult themes, adult ideas, and some very frank talk about sex acts.

  Another problem I had with this book is that Daniel Handler does not seem to know how to transition from the past to the present. He'll mention a memory of either Gwen's or Phil Needle's, then get back to the present and then out of the blue, we're back in the past without any sort of warning from the writer. Handler's paragraphs seem to go on forever whereas grammar classes teach us that a well-structured paragraph should be around 3-5 sentences each.

(By the way- if every time you read the words 'We Are Pirates' you then hear the 'bum-bum-bumpbump, bada-bum-bum-bumbum-bump' from those Farmer's Insurance commercials well you're not alone.")

   Also, in terms of timing, each chapter is split into two parts. One-half of each chapter will revolve around Phil Needle with the other starring Gwen. However, Phil Needle's part might take place a week before Independence Day while Gwen's segment occurs during the last week of May. Yet for some reason except for the first and last chapter, the author doesn't tell the reader when said events occur in the timeline. Even worse the story jumps around in each chapter and doesn't follow a linear sequence of events meaning Gwen's actions in chapter 3 may take place a month before what she did in chapter 2. (Again without any acknowledgement that the story jumped back in time.)

   I would rate this book very low if it wasn't for the crafty way Handler ties everything in by the final page. It's quite clever on the level of 'Reservoir Dogs' or 'The Usual Suspects.' But I don't want to give away too much in order to ruin the twists and turns that evolve in this novel.

   So does that mean what you think I'm thinking...

 That's right, I'm recommending this book and I also consider it Worth Consuming. Just trust me when I say you need to push through as some segments won't make any sense until the very end. Believe me, it's worth the wait and the read.

   Worth Consuming

  Rating: 8 out of 10 stars.

(Oh, any to answer the question: NO, I'm not sick. I've just been in the mood to tackle some non-comic book summer reads. As the great Phil Needle says 'It'll pass. It's just a phase."