With the Force Awakens, it's going to be really hard not getting any spoilers unless you see the movie first. I get to see the film tonight at 7:30. Everyone at my work knows I am going and I am going to be asked question after question about what happened. So, I thought it might be fun to come up with some fake spoilers to throw out tomorrow. Feel free to use them when describing Episode VII to your friends and family...
1. The Force doesn't like to be awakened until 10 am. It will sleep in on weekends.
2. To start it's day, the Force will drink a hot cup o' joe, catch up on emails, and have a morning constitutional...
3. Chewbacca is revealed to really be 2 Ewoks standing atop an Ugnaught.
4. The reason Luke is missing from the trailers is because he accidently went back in time, where he fell in love with a girl named Shmi and ended up becoming his own grandpa.
5. We learn that Han Solo hates snakes. This phobia gives him a bad feeling...
6. Leia has been financing the continuing war against the First Order by selling her worn metal bikinis to Japanese businessmen online. Sales have not been good lately...
7.Nalan Cheel quit Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes and created the Indy-Pop band Alderaanian Sunburn.
8. No taun tauns were injured in the filming of the Force Awakens.
9. A Jawa did get a hang nail, but it was quickly fixed. He did not have to apply for workmen's comp.
10. Poe Dameron's serial number is revealed as 4815-16-2342.
11. Han and Leia never married. They did have a threesome with a Shistavanen Wolfman- there were complications...
12. Boba Fett survived the Sarlacc. The episode did result in the bounty hunter losing that lovin' feeling if you know what I mean...
13. It's revealed that R2-D2 and C-3PO aren't a gay couple because Threepio is a figment of Artoo's imagination.
14. The secret scene at the end of the film has Han, Leia, Chewie, Finn, Poe, and Rey eating at a really good Shawarma restaurant at the Mos Eisley spaceport.
15. James Earl Jones appears as a new bad guy, Darth Boisterous. All of his lines are dubbed over by David Prowse.
16. A third Death Star appears in this film. It's made of Legos, but all thermal exhaust ports are properly vented to prevent another debacle like on Yavin.
and 17. It's not really a Death Star. It's more like a Death Meteorite...
Oh, and here's a bonus spoiler- There's going to be a sequel!!!
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